Low Cut

Hot Lava

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It took me way too long to see the movie When Harry Met Sally. I am a romantic, I love easy comedy, and Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are two of my 80’s baby favorites. Of course I loved it, and have since thought a lot about the different kinds of relationships that can occur between a man and a woman.

I had drinks with a man last night who I can’t help but care about in a borderline maternal way. I have a lot of male friends who have fallen under this nurturing gaze, partly because I work in a male-dominated profession, and partly because I don’t have children of my own. I want to listen to them, feed them, and make sure they got home safely. I have this urge to bring them under my folded wings and warm them like freshly hatched chicks in an unpredictable spring.

A lot of times, these feelings grow into something more. As you share yourself with someone, and they open up to you in turn, it’s only natural that connections begin to forge in those soft streams of vulnerability that run deeply in us all. This can either cause a fraternal relationship to turn into something almost sibling-like, or plant a bunch of what if? seeds that lead to eventual catastrophe and awkward mornings.

None of my romantic relationships have ever started this way, though. At least, none of the ones that lasted more than a month. The big loves I’ve had in my life have always been rooted first in attraction, chemistry, and that thing. Of course, these haven’t been successful either, if I’m judging by the fact that I’m still single. But when I look back at those relationships, they were the ones that cut grooves through my internal landscape, changed the trajectory of rivers inside me, moved mountains around me. They altered my entire countenance, so that I was completely unrecognizable from the person I was before them.

Certainly, friendships can have that affect, too. But it almost seems like it’s a secondary purpose to love. To tug at the fault lines within you, and break you apart.

So that, through these fissures, your beautiful insides can pour out and create a brand new surface.

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Low Cut

Drying Out

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I recently took a break from drinking after coming home from an exceptionally boozy Vegas trip. My body just felt sanitized of its necessary vitamins, minerals, and fluids. I decided to take a weekend off. And then a week. And now a month.

I’m a quiet girl normally. The kind of girl who benefits in a lot of ways from the crutch of alcohol. I spring to life when you pour a drink in me: The clutches inside me finally relax. The words in my mind blossom from their tightly closed buds, for better or worse. I laugh freely and easily. I forget that anything in life is really worth all the fuss. I like myself more.

Of course, it’s easier for other people to love you when you love yourself, which is why so many of my friends associate me with drinking. I get forwarded all the alcohol memes on Instagram, receive wine glasses and bottles as gifts, and am invited to drinking dates if I’m not initiating my own. I enjoy it — being the harbinger of prosecco, the “bitch please”-er of the evening, and the one who’s up for anything. I try new things, take dares, and I am infinitely more artsy.

There are two alcohol related quotes that resonate strongly with me: “Write drunk, edit sober,” which is dubiously attributed to Hemingway (still, can I get a wut wut); and, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy,” linked most famously to a 1970’s Tom Waits interview. I am more loose with my thinking after a glass of wine. It seems to unlatch my creativity from its cage. I’m also more in love with life, and people. I see through an American Beauty-style filter, and can pick out moments and images with more focus and less internal justification. My production of superficial pleasures goes way up.

I need it, really. I exercise regularly, have creative outlets, and plenty of people to talk to. But nothing unplugs and resets me like a good night out with booze and friends.

So I was surprised when, after three weeks without the sauce, I could still find ways to be alive in social situations — a little sparkling water in a wine glass has been the placebo I didn’t know I needed. Tiny bubbles have almost the same effect on my body and mind, but instead of feeling drunk on alcohol, I let the company of smart and funny friends lull me into humor and lightness. Talking to strangers is just as easy and delightful. Sunsets are still as beautiful. Food is still as good.

But my creativity, though still accessible, feels a little forced. My sense of adventure is slightly stalled. The stiffness in my ribcage is still spindly and terse, and not as easily convinced that I’ve found the panacea. And I haven’t been brave enough to try karaoke sober, despite that it’s one of my favorite pastimes.

So I will definitely drink again, though it’s been a refreshing surprise to know that I don’t need it to enjoy life, or even myself. It’s like I’ve been wearing a huge overcoat to protect me from a hurricane, when there’s just a gentle breeze blowing.

Perhaps life feels stormier when you are trying so hard to hide from the weather.

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Lacy Things

Taste

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In her most recent Brainpickings newsletter, Maria Popova reviewed Rebecca Solnit’s latest release, Cinderalla Liberator. In it, she talks about love that is free of romantic tropes and expectations, where two people can love each other without valuing it by how Instagram-worthy the pictures are. Where love can be a less formal endeavor and, in turn, a less loaded one. Where you can fall in love without having to justify it to your friends over drinks or your family over the holidays.

While I am not at all opposed to the molten and sticky sweet qualities of a passionate love that burns out of control over the course of a few hours, I’m also convinced that it’s a characteristic of learning how to love, rather than a requirement for it.

We grow up (hopefully) learning familial love, and the possibilities surrounding this sort of unconditional, comfortable, and subtle feeling. But familiar love is only one end of the pendulum, and passionate love sits at its opposite station. As such, it is more fleeting, less stable, and sharper in contrast.

When our bodies and minds bloom into reproductive beings, the various gradients of the love spectrum are opened up for exploration. Which is why, when we are younger, passionate love feels so exhilarating and unreal. It’s a newly-created, wild, ephemeral thing, unfurling inside and outside of our bodies. It’s immediately at home yet totally unfamiliar, a foreign entity that suddenly becomes part of you. It’s like tasting, for the first time, something so wonderful you could have never imagined it existing. Only instead of just lingering for a second on your tongue, it’s suddenly inhabiting every cell of your body, and simultaneously bursting from you like a thousand pricks of fiery light.

Replicating this feeling becomes less and less frequent as you age, whether or not you are with the same person or you’ve gone it alone. It’s not necessarily an indication that love is growing stale, or that you are growing bitter, but that your body has simply become accustomed to the fire. You’ve spent all that time swinging back and forth across the pendulum; learning people, feelings, conditions, stupid mistakes, ego trips, and lovely peace. Eventually, your sense for what love means begins to settle like pudding in a chocolate cream pie, slowly becoming level at the surface. Even new sparks, though they still light you up, feel more like licking the spoon than devouring the whole thing.

The quality of the jolt isn’t what matters, though. What matters is that it continues to shake you out of your blank stare into space, or your seething anger at standstill traffic, or your general apathy about life overall. When someone can continue to bring you down to earth — and, yet, every once in awhile allow you to escape it through a tunnel of shared looks and private jokes — to look at a horizon with you and somehow naturally also find the school of dolphins playing in the ocean  — to have the same craving for margaritas at the same time on a Wednesday evening — to assign seats on the couch without formal discussion — to fall asleep without having to apologize for every little thing first — to just sit in the same space without fucking saying anything.

What matters is that its your flavor of love, and that you truly enjoy it.

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Basic Cotton

Numero Uno

 

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I grew up with grandparents who were farmers. Like most (all) farmers, they employed undocumented Latinos/as during the summer to pick and dry fruit. I found out early that I love to earn money, so I worked there in the summer cutting fruit to dry. My mom did, too.

Consequently, my childhood was filled with various Spanglish words, and one of my favorites was “chonies.” First of all, because it meant underwear, and underwear is always funny. Second, because my mom had a way of saying it that still makes me smile. Third, because it reminds me of being young, ridiculous, and free-spirited, which is something I cling to with desperation as I find myself nearing 40.

Hence, the name of this blog, which will eventually turn into a metaphorical meat grinder of red wine, contemplation, bad decision-making, and maybe even some smart revelations. Maybe.

Dos!

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